Changes

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So much has changed. So much.

Just in one year. Just in two years. And so much, in the past six years. What? It hasn’t been six years since Chloe’s adoption, has it?! You do the math. I don’t want to. I don’t want to come to that realization, so… no math, for me.

I’m not great at summarizing things, but I will try.

I suppose the biggest changes happened in April (2018), but the years prior were of help, as well.

Without the years before finding the anti-depressant that genuinely helps me, the anti-depressant wouldn’t have been enough, I don’t think.

In those last six years, *cringe*

I’ve learned a myriad of skills: coping, money management, employment, interpersonal (including conflict resolution) skills, etc.

Please excuse my sentence structure. I haven’t yet attended college for this. I will, though. Definitely.

I am grateful for all of the teachers, case managers, therapists, and friends who have helped me learn (and some of them continue to help me learn) these skills.

Without my anti-depressant, though, I was unable to use the skills I had intellectually acquired. 

Once my anti-depressant began to work, my life changed. It has been the length of April-May, and these last two days of June that my life has very much changed: all for the better. It feels like it has been longer: probably because during this time period, I have been very slowly adjusting to having a stable mood, a lessening of PMDD symptoms, and a generally great outlook on life.

I am working.

I am studying Spanish. The app I’m using says that I’m studying at the highest intensity that they have a classification for.

I am less driven to study French, but I am slowly learning the basics. The pronunciation is difficult for me.

I am doing at-home workouts, but I really struggle with the form of most exercises. That will take some study.

I’m studying keyboarding and 10-key typing, to increase my speed in each.

If I can ever afford a tutor, I would like to re-learn Algebra. Once I finally learned it in high school (after failing twice), I was a literal ace. I want a tutor, so that I can become a tutor. My senior year classmates (in Edinburg, Texas) said that I taught it in a way that was very easy to learn. My teacher took the day off and just observed.

Life has become so full of possibilities. I have the energy, most days (85%) – I have the motivation, and I have the confidence.

I’m not a person that I recognize anymore.

Last year, I began smoking cigarettes. Today is my sixth day of not smoking. Little by little, the cravings have lessened in intensity. I definitely had a detox-day, on the third no-smoking day. My body was angry!

Otherwise…

Chloe is 8. 

here’s what I know: she likes to dance. she likes to read. she can do handstands.

Daphne is 6 (in August).

here’s what I know: she likes drawing. she likes video games. she’s quite picky on most everything. ( ( ( I have chosen not to have contact with her or her father, until a later date. ) ) )

Isaac is 5 (in November).

here’s what I know: he’s analytical, focused, shy, and a goofball (who doesn’t like Santa).

Juliet is 4 (in December).

here’s what I know: she loves animals. she tries to do handstands. she’s brave. she loves her big brother a lot. she’s in dance classes.

Fine. They’re allowed to continue growing. Like most people who have kids, I sometimes wish there were a pause button. 

A quick snapshot of how I feel about the most recent change that I’m not quite ready to blog about: 

I have mixed feelings. I’m sad. I’m happy that you’re happy. I’m happy that they’re happy. I’m worried that they’ll blame themselves, someday. I’m worried about their eventual, emotional reaction to things. I’m worried that the situation will change again.

I guess, by percentages… I’m mostly worried.

I am happy, but that’s a less natural emotion toward it.

End.

PMDD

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Want to see what I’m like, when I’m TRYING to be nice – when PMS (or, in my case, PMDD) hits? See previous blog post.

Darn, that it had to hit during Mother’s Day weekend!

It’s all over and I’m back to being the-real-me.

Step 1: bloat

Step 2: crave chocolate; be not-as-nice

Step 3: be really, really not-as-nice

Step 4: notice that I’m not-as-nice

Step 5: feel better, become the-real-me again.

There’s more, but this is my attempt at documenting it, without being all-TMI about it.

Hey, my-daughters, beware that you’re susceptible to this PMDD junk. It really sucks and mine began affecting my life at age 16. I just forget, every month, and then live in denial, until it hits again.

Love y’all.chloe

Lessen Unnecessary Anxiety

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Here’s something I’m learning… and I’m very appreciative of this lesson. Very appreciative.

When something is not my responsibility, I do not need to worry about it. 

I worry enough – without worrying about the things that aren’t my responsibility.  Being very rules-conscious, it’s not easy for me to watch rules be ignored and/or not obeyed.

I struggle with not concerning myself with other people’s “affairs” and responsibilities.

I’d love to lessen the unnecessary anxiety I thrust upon myself.

A Definite Suggestion –

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When you go out to eat, watch your servers: where they put their hands (on your plate or napkins), whether (if you can see/watch) they wash their hands, etc.

Why?

Because a Subway employee (in the gas station I work at) was picking her nose, while talking to me and another gas station employee. We both tried not to notice.

I watched as the Subway employee went to her station to begin making a sandwich for someone, watching for her to wash her hands. She didn’t. She put on gloves, but did not wash her hands.

After she makes your sandwich with her gloved hands, she takes the gloves off and put your sandwich in your bag along with the napkins.

Maybe you’re not much of germaphobe. Good for you. I was disgusted.

Addition / Subtraction

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I definitely feel some shame, admitting this… but when my Dad had me attending Sylvan Learning Center, they tested me in every area. They found that (at 12 years old) I was at a 1st and 2nd grade level when it came to addition and subtraction.

Why? Because my first grade teacher taught me to add and subtract, using the dot system. http://www.ehow.com/how_8519273_use-dot-system-addition-subtraction.html   Please don’t allow your children to learn math, using this system! PLEASE don’t!

Have your children memorize the addition and subtraction tables, just like memorizing the multiplication tables! I KNOW my multiplication and can multiply large numbers, just writing them down and multiplying the smaller numbers first / together.

I would like to teach myself / practice the addition and subtraction tables. I need to.

1. I would be an awesome bookkeeper, if only I could add and subtract!

2. Self-esteem issues.

3. For work.

Venting About My Job

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When I explain what happened, it sounds horribly trivial – but I guess you had to be there. Especially after only 6 hours of sleep and then working another 6 or 7 hours (before this happened).

Basically, I really don’t like being “taught” common sense.

I felt like saying “Um, yeah…. uh huh.”

I tried to be polite, though. I tried to pretend that I actually needed instruction on the very simple task.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Vent over.