Borderline Personality.

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Hi.

For years and years, I was in denial of my primary diagnosis. The first diagnosis I was ever given – that I didn’t seek out.

I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) several times. 2004, 2006, 2012, 2015, 2017. My dad was diagnosed (by the military) with BPD, before I was born. And I believe my mom also has BPD, according to the stories I’ve heard of her childhood (as well as her subsequent behaviors).

Like attracts like. One of my favorite people, who’s a therapist by trade, says we attract and are attracted to people of our similar emotional development. My mom married my dad (I believe) solely to leave her family’s home. I believe my dad believed that he loved my mom. I don’t know if my mom ever loved my dad. (Okay, enough about them.)

Borderline Personality is (basically) severe emotional pain / damage. In unpopular opinion, Borderline Personality is not a mental illness. It is a heart / emotional illness. 

Its origin is not 110% proven. But the majority of people (99% or something like that) agree that it’s caused by childhood trauma / abandonment / emotional neglect. Some people believe (I’m not one of them) that it’s partially hereditary.

The only part that is the least bit hereditary (in my opinion) is that ALL people inherit the need to be loved by their mother – simply by being in her womb for 9 months and developing a deep emotional attachment and love for her.

My mother admitted to me that she didn’t hold me (much), talk to me (much), etc. I don’t remember my mother in the early parts of my life. I was too little. I was 3, when she was mostly out of my life, except for supervised visitations on Wednesdays.

She emotionally neglected me. She eventually left me with my (abusive to all of us) father. It’s an opinion that she didn’t protect me – maybe to protect herself. If I was being abused, she wasn’t suffering direct abuse for that moment in time.

For my Borderline Personality, the blame is solely my mother’s. My father’s abuse exacerbated it, sure. But… (as I sometimes yell out when feeling angry about her) she was the one person who should have loved me the most. But she didn’t. She didn’t have the capability of loving me. And really, she still does not.

My sister and I agree (even if she won’t publicly admit this) that being around either of our parents is as if we are the parents and they are the children. They are both incapable of loving (without it being a narcissistic kind of love) or receiving love. Neither of them see themselves as deserving of love, in my opinion.

I’m happy and slightly reserved in saying (publicly) that I’m in recovery of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’m going to be changing the subtitle of this blog, as a show of honesty. I’m not sure that I have Asperger’s Syndrome.

The two (BPD and Asperger’s) have many similarities in thinking patterns. But one is due to neurological differences and the other is due to a delay in emotional development.

My 2013 diagnosis was Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (which is on the autism spectrum).

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I think we can all agree that I tend to have the emotional responses of a toddler. That’s pretty agreed upon, “universally.”

I’m glad that I still have years before I will meet my children. Recovery, here I come, dangit!

— Stephanie

PMDD

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Want to see what I’m like, when I’m TRYING to be nice – when PMS (or, in my case, PMDD) hits? See previous blog post.

Darn, that it had to hit during Mother’s Day weekend!

It’s all over and I’m back to being the-real-me.

Step 1: bloat

Step 2: crave chocolate; be not-as-nice

Step 3: be really, really not-as-nice

Step 4: notice that I’m not-as-nice

Step 5: feel better, become the-real-me again.

There’s more, but this is my attempt at documenting it, without being all-TMI about it.

Hey, my-daughters, beware that you’re susceptible to this PMDD junk. It really sucks and mine began affecting my life at age 16. I just forget, every month, and then live in denial, until it hits again.

Love y’all.chloe

Lessen Unnecessary Anxiety

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Here’s something I’m learning… and I’m very appreciative of this lesson. Very appreciative.

When something is not my responsibility, I do not need to worry about it. 

I worry enough – without worrying about the things that aren’t my responsibility.  Being very rules-conscious, it’s not easy for me to watch rules be ignored and/or not obeyed.

I struggle with not concerning myself with other people’s “affairs” and responsibilities.

I’d love to lessen the unnecessary anxiety I thrust upon myself.

A Definite Suggestion –

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When you go out to eat, watch your servers: where they put their hands (on your plate or napkins), whether (if you can see/watch) they wash their hands, etc.

Why?

Because a Subway employee (in the gas station I work at) was picking her nose, while talking to me and another gas station employee. We both tried not to notice.

I watched as the Subway employee went to her station to begin making a sandwich for someone, watching for her to wash her hands. She didn’t. She put on gloves, but did not wash her hands.

After she makes your sandwich with her gloved hands, she takes the gloves off and put your sandwich in your bag along with the napkins.

Maybe you’re not much of germaphobe. Good for you. I was disgusted.

Addition / Subtraction

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I definitely feel some shame, admitting this… but when my Dad had me attending Sylvan Learning Center, they tested me in every area. They found that (at 12 years old) I was at a 1st and 2nd grade level when it came to addition and subtraction.

Why? Because my first grade teacher taught me to add and subtract, using the dot system. http://www.ehow.com/how_8519273_use-dot-system-addition-subtraction.html   Please don’t allow your children to learn math, using this system! PLEASE don’t!

Have your children memorize the addition and subtraction tables, just like memorizing the multiplication tables! I KNOW my multiplication and can multiply large numbers, just writing them down and multiplying the smaller numbers first / together.

I would like to teach myself / practice the addition and subtraction tables. I need to.

1. I would be an awesome bookkeeper, if only I could add and subtract!

2. Self-esteem issues.

3. For work.

Venting About My Job

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When I explain what happened, it sounds horribly trivial – but I guess you had to be there. Especially after only 6 hours of sleep and then working another 6 or 7 hours (before this happened).

Basically, I really don’t like being “taught” common sense.

I felt like saying “Um, yeah…. uh huh.”

I tried to be polite, though. I tried to pretend that I actually needed instruction on the very simple task.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Vent over.