Borderline Personality.

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Hi.

For years and years, I was in denial of my primary diagnosis. The first diagnosis I was ever given – that I didn’t seek out.

I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) several times. 2004, 2006, 2012, 2015, 2017. My dad was diagnosed (by the military) with BPD, before I was born. And I believe my mom also has BPD, according to the stories I’ve heard of her childhood (as well as her subsequent behaviors).

Like attracts like. One of my favorite people, who’s a therapist by trade, says we attract and are attracted to people of our similar emotional development. My mom married my dad (I believe) solely to leave her family’s home. I believe my dad believed that he loved my mom. I don’t know if my mom ever loved my dad. (Okay, enough about them.)

Borderline Personality is (basically) severe emotional pain / damage. In unpopular opinion, Borderline Personality is not a mental illness. It is a heart / emotional illness. 

Its origin is not 110% proven. But the majority of people (99% or something like that) agree that it’s caused by childhood trauma / abandonment / emotional neglect. Some people believe (I’m not one of them) that it’s partially hereditary.

The only part that is the least bit hereditary (in my opinion) is that ALL people inherit the need to be loved by their mother – simply by being in her womb for 9 months and developing a deep emotional attachment and love for her.

My mother admitted to me that she didn’t hold me (much), talk to me (much), etc. I don’t remember my mother in the early parts of my life. I was too little. I was 3, when she was mostly out of my life, except for supervised visitations on Wednesdays.

She emotionally neglected me. She eventually left me with my (abusive to all of us) father. It’s an opinion that she didn’t protect me – maybe to protect herself. If I was being abused, she wasn’t suffering direct abuse for that moment in time.

For my Borderline Personality, the blame is solely my mother’s. My father’s abuse exacerbated it, sure. But… (as I sometimes yell out when feeling angry about her) she was the one person who should have loved me the most. But she didn’t. She didn’t have the capability of loving me. And really, she still does not.

My sister and I agree (even if she won’t publicly admit this) that being around either of our parents is as if we are the parents and they are the children. They are both incapable of loving (without it being a narcissistic kind of love) or receiving love. Neither of them see themselves as deserving of love, in my opinion.

I’m happy and slightly reserved in saying (publicly) that I’m in recovery of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’m going to be changing the subtitle of this blog, as a show of honesty. I’m not sure that I have Asperger’s Syndrome.

The two (BPD and Asperger’s) have many similarities in thinking patterns. But one is due to neurological differences and the other is due to a delay in emotional development.

My 2013 diagnosis was Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (which is on the autism spectrum).

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I think we can all agree that I tend to have the emotional responses of a toddler. That’s pretty agreed upon, “universally.”

I’m glad that I still have years before I will meet my children. Recovery, here I come, dangit!

— Stephanie

PMDD

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Want to see what I’m like, when I’m TRYING to be nice – when PMS (or, in my case, PMDD) hits? See previous blog post.

Darn, that it had to hit during Mother’s Day weekend!

It’s all over and I’m back to being the-real-me.

Step 1: bloat

Step 2: crave chocolate; be not-as-nice

Step 3: be really, really not-as-nice

Step 4: notice that I’m not-as-nice

Step 5: feel better, become the-real-me again.

There’s more, but this is my attempt at documenting it, without being all-TMI about it.

Hey, my-daughters, beware that you’re susceptible to this PMDD junk. It really sucks and mine began affecting my life at age 16. I just forget, every month, and then live in denial, until it hits again.

Love y’all.chloe

Question & Answer Session –

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Bona Fide Birth Mother’s Question & Answer Session. . .

I love you, Lady-Bug,

Precious-Picklette,

and Sweet-Sesame! ❤

Presently, what percentage would you put yourself for the adoption?

90%, – leaving 10% for parenting.

We all know that you changed your mind (on October 15th) and announced your choice to personally raise your son. What factors have you since considered that cause you to turn back to the adoption plan?

First of all, I moved out of the Steyer (friends of Mr and Mrs Zumba) household, desiring to be on neutral ground. Hurting the Steyers, in any way, was not my intention. I did know that my decision would cause a rift in the friendship(s), but I knew that I needed to be on (completely) neutral ground – in order to know (for a fact) that I was making the best decision for my son.

I’ll explain.

– – – – -The Steyers did their absolute best to remain objective and supportive. I appreciate them more than they may realize. This is the best way that I can explain why living in their house (while making this decision) was not a good idea (even while my stay there is and was very much appreciated):

Picture yourself needing to make a decision between two different colors. Your choices are brown or red. You’re sitting in a tan building, which has interior walls painted a beautiful mahogany (a shade of brown) color of paint. The tables are beige, as well as the chairs. The front door, though, is auburn (a reddish-brown) in color.

You can see that this building isn’t entirely influencing your decision between brown and red. You appreciate the front door’s color of paint. You sit in the shade-of-brown chairs, for months. You stare at the walls’ color, ruminating your (life-altering) decision between brown and red.

Then, there comes a day that you realize that the colors you’re surrounded by are probably (unintentionally) creating a comfort in your mind – for that one color. You’ve been talking to a few people (outside of that tan building) about your decision between brown and red. One of these people tries to explain that being in a shade-of-brown building, while making this decision, is not the best option available. This person realizes what a blessing this tan building has been to you, but wants you to consider the subconscious influence that the tan building and its shade-of-brown components may be having on this ever-important decision.

You discover that there’s a white building that has an available room. You need that available room for the next 1 to 2 months. You’re appreciative of the tan building, but you know that the tan building’s construction workers and interior design team may feel hurt that you’ve decided to drive to the white building, after all they’ve done to make your tan-building stay as comfortable and stress-free as possible. You’re unsure of how to express what you’re feeling about the tan building, so you pack your decision-making supplies and leave… hoping everyone working on the tan building will eventually understand, as well as believe that you’re appreciative of the tan building’s friendly atmosphere and months of freely-given resources. – – – – –

After arriving at “the white building,” I felt a new comfort that allowed me easy access to my desire for “red” (parenting my son). The one hindrance to my choosing-to-parent-my-son was that I had nothing for him. No car seat, no clothing, no diapers, no baby seats (bouncer / baby-swing), nothing at all. I didn’t want to make this decision (of adoption) based on the feeling of having no other choice. There are plenty of resources for single mothers, if you look for them. I looked. And looked. I was given a lot of clothing. I was given free diapers. I was given hand-me-downs. I was given a free car seat (after attending a 1-hour car seat safety class.) Google car seat safety class, car seat distribution, and your state of residency. I had (and still have) everything that my son would need – if I chose to “keep” / raise & parent my son.

After approximately a week of being adamant that I am capable of raising my son (which, I am), I began returning to thoughts of the adoption plan. A friend suggested that I compile a Pros & Cons list for Parenting and for Adoption. Those lists truly opened my eyes. Then, on an online Asperger’s Syndrome group, a woman (another “Aspie”) said that I should ask myself these questions: Why do you want to keep him? And why do you think he should be adopted? (similar to the pros and cons lists, but the change of wording helped me continue in a serious inspection of my reasons, motives, and desires.)

I will post another blog post, sometime soon. My back hurts and I need a break. 37.2 weeks pregnant… I’m sure you understand.

My Logic Hat

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My therapist calls it my “logic hat.”

When I have that thing on, I can think through things with great logic.

I’m not sure what to call the other hat, but I don’t like wearing it. If it were all up to me, I would never wear this other hat. Ever.

It’s the hat I’m wearing when my emotions overwhelm me. My emotions, when I do feel them, have the power to make me do things that my logic hat would shake its fist at.

Right now, at this moment, I’m wearing my logic hat.

If someone could, please, come out with new technology that allows me to lock my logic hat in place? Thank you.

Evaluations / Children’s Nicknames

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Ow, ow, ow! …to these Braxton Hicks contractions I’ve been having. I’ve actually been experiencing fewer of them, since increasing my water intake… but still, ow! – when they do happen.

Any way, let me tell you what I’m so excited to blog about! In 9 days, I will have my “neuropsychological evaluation!”

I also have a vocational evaluation in a little over 2 weeks. They’ll be testing my abilities, interests, and personality – discovering what type of job best suits me.

If I felt like making noise, I’d probably do my happy scream right now …but I’m kind of sleepy today.

Yesterday, I hit the 33-week mark of my pregnancy.

Somehow, that reminded me that I want to go through all of my blog’s posts and edit my children’s names. I’ve been reading other blogs and realized that moms seem to make up nicknames for their kids – just for their blogs. Good idea, peoples!

My 3 year old daughter’s nickname will be… Lady-Bug

My 1 year old daughter’s nickname will be… Precious-Picklette

My son’s nickname will be… Sweet-Sesame

( ( ( ( Nicknames are subject to change, in the event(s) of specific personality traits being revealed. ) ) ) ) – but I’ll keep the nickname changing to a minimum. I promise.

Disclaimer: (some) people, like me, who have Asperger’s syndrome rarely use pet names, so – honestly – coming up with my kids’ permanent (blog) nicknames will be a matter of observation… of what my kids’ loved ones say about them.

Today’s Appointments (9/24)

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Today has been kind of an important day for me.

Earlier today, I had my first official appointment with my vocational counselor. We went over my work history and my history of school / college attendance. My vocational counselor and I also worked through the initial paperwork.

Basic summary of what transpired:

– my vocational counselor will be requesting my therapist’s notes. There can’t be very many notes, since I’ve only been seeing my therapist since early July.

– my vocational counselor will be asking a mental health clinic for their notes, as well.

– I will have a career assessment, very soon. This assessment will assess 😛 … my interests, skills, and personality, in search of the type of job that, hopefully, best suits me.

– I will, also, have an evaluation in about 3 weeks. A neuro-psychologist will run the evaluation, deciding whether or not I’m on the Autism Spectrum. My vocational counselor told me that this neuro-psychologist’s reputation is that of being very detail-oriented. Honestly, I’m most excited about this – out of everything. 🙂

*** Most adults (who have Asperger’s) who went un-diagnosed throughout their childhood are often self-diagnosed. Some of these adults don’t mind not having an official diagnosis. This is usually because they’re so sure they’re on the Autism Spectrum that they feel no need for an official confirmation.

It is sometimes very difficult to find a professional who will evaluate an adult for being (or not being) on the Autism Spectrum, especially if your piggy bank is mostly empty.

***Because I have the opportunity for an official diagnosis, I am jumping at the opportunity. Not only will I feel extremely validated, I will receive the help I need to become an active part of society. 🙂

My second appointment was with my therapist. I was 14 minutes late, due to my vocational counselor needing more time to finish the paperwork.

Therapy is therapy. You didn’t think I was going to tell you all about my therapy appointment, did you? Confidential! 

Therapy; Shoulding On People

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So, in today’s therapy session, my therapist talked to me about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.

Wikipedia’s definition:

“a comprehensive, active-directive, philosophically and empirically based psychotherapy which focuses on resolving emotional and behavioral problems and disturbances and enabling people to lead happier and more fulfilling lives.”

A – activating event / trigger

B – beliefs

C – consequences

Also, my therapist asked me “Have you SHOULD on someone today?

Expecting other people to behave in the way that you think they should – can lead to anxiety, depression, and an eventual breakdown.

Susie SHOULD show more gratitude!

Larry SHOULD stop smoking!

Gertrude SHOULD stop allowing her children to manipulate her!