snakes in the grass.

Standard

Am I the only one who has to learn lessons the hard way, over and over, before the facts finally set in?

The class I’m attending has a complete syllabus of life’s lessons. Even if one or two lessons aren’t in their curriculum, I’m managing to sneak in a learning experience or two.

One lesson I’m learning is about self-disclosure.

My tendency is to over-share … with friends, acquaintances, and total strangers.

There have been a few people in my life that jumped from the Total Stranger category to the Best Friend (or so I thought) category way too fast.

I’ve not made that mistake just once.

I’m too trusting. I’m too open with the details of my life.

This type of openness attracts a certain type of person, I’m discovering. Don’t get me wrong, I have made some great friends via my openness. But of course, there will always be “snakes in the grass.”

These snakes have little going on in their own lives.

These snakes have an innate ability to sense drama.

These snakes should just get cable and watch soap operas all day.

 

“You’re an interesting person.”

If I hear any variation of this, ever again, I will step back and take a better look at the person. What are their intentions? Are they bored with their own lives …and have they sensed the dramatic past, having to do with my children?

The drawback of being in the midst of learning to be less self-disclosing is that it’s a work in progress. ..catching yourself saying something, realizing that it’s probably too much information, but they’ve already heard a portion of the story.

Should you continue and give the details? or do you hold it all back and hope that they don’t make up their own version?

We live. We learn.

How do you deal with the slanderous snake? I’m still learning that lesson.

chloephone

Formal Diagnoses

Standard

I am sorry to my supportive, encouraging blog readers, but I’ve had to disable comments on my blog. This is due to certain people having too much time on their hands and too little understanding of the situation(s). 

Oh, well. Here we go! It’ll be a struggle to explain this peace I’ve found. Not only for and due to the continued adoption plans… but also within myself.

Yesterday (October 28th, 2013), I was given my formal diagnoses by a neuro-psychologist, PhD.

Some of you may think it would be wise not to blog about my diagnoses. Maybe you’re right.

Here I go in my wrongness, though!  (I’ve gone 20 years not understanding why I’m different than other people, why I’m not able to complete tasks, why I have a definite low tolerance for frustration and/or stress…) By the way, in case some of you don’t know – I’m 28 years old. I began seeing that I was different, at the age of 8.

1) Asperger’s Syndrome (a mild case)

2) Generalized Anxiety – with Obsessive Compulsive traits

3) Dysthymia ~ (chronic type of depression in which a person’s moods are regularly low. However, symptoms are not as severe as with Major Depression.)

4) Sensory Processing Disorder ~ (A person with sensory processing disorder, SPD, finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks.

# 4 (Sensory Processing Disorder) should probably be listed as # 1, though. – – Why? …because my sensory processing is in the 4th percentile (meaning: I did better than 4% of the population in processing information through the senses). Another way to word this: My sensory processing speed is very low.

My verbal skills are in the 74th percentile. Concerning verbal skills, I did better than 74% of the population. My verbal skills are very high.

I have an average IQ, with my verbal IQ being quite a bit higher than my non-verbal IQ.

Especially when I am nervous, I don’t always understand the non-verbal communication being presented. 

I have a lack of spatial skills. (Spatial skills involve your ability to understand problems involving physical spaces, shapes, or forms. )

Sometimes, my affect is flat. (Affect, defined: “a set of observable manifestations of a subjectively experienced emotion.”)

My former diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder has been wholly terminated. This neuro-psychologist (PhD) found no evidence of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and called the doctor, who wrote that on my papers, “a quack” for diagnosing me with BPD after an hour long discussion with me. (My neuro-psychologist spent 4.5 hours testing my intelligence: emotional and academic, observing my behavior via distractions that I didn’t realize were part of the testing, etc.)

One behavior noted, through the distractions that I didn’t realize were part of their tests: if you give me an assignment, something to focus on or think about… and then you leave the room… and then you walk back in… it is very, very difficult for me to return to my previous state of focus. AKA – I need to be left alone and not distracted, in order to do my very best work. 

The one OCD trait that I can validate with my own agreeing opinion… I really need to do things perfectly. It’s an internal pressure to be perfect in all that I do. If I mess up at all, I tend to give up altogether. 

I deal with some  Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) issues, but not enough for any sort of ADD diagnosis.

My neuro-psychologist thinks I’d do well in becoming a research assistant.

…well, guess what! At the latest, I will begin college classes this summer!!!  Yes!!!

Today’s Appointments (9/24)

Standard

Today has been kind of an important day for me.

Earlier today, I had my first official appointment with my vocational counselor. We went over my work history and my history of school / college attendance. My vocational counselor and I also worked through the initial paperwork.

Basic summary of what transpired:

– my vocational counselor will be requesting my therapist’s notes. There can’t be very many notes, since I’ve only been seeing my therapist since early July.

– my vocational counselor will be asking a mental health clinic for their notes, as well.

– I will have a career assessment, very soon. This assessment will assess 😛 … my interests, skills, and personality, in search of the type of job that, hopefully, best suits me.

– I will, also, have an evaluation in about 3 weeks. A neuro-psychologist will run the evaluation, deciding whether or not I’m on the Autism Spectrum. My vocational counselor told me that this neuro-psychologist’s reputation is that of being very detail-oriented. Honestly, I’m most excited about this – out of everything. 🙂

*** Most adults (who have Asperger’s) who went un-diagnosed throughout their childhood are often self-diagnosed. Some of these adults don’t mind not having an official diagnosis. This is usually because they’re so sure they’re on the Autism Spectrum that they feel no need for an official confirmation.

It is sometimes very difficult to find a professional who will evaluate an adult for being (or not being) on the Autism Spectrum, especially if your piggy bank is mostly empty.

***Because I have the opportunity for an official diagnosis, I am jumping at the opportunity. Not only will I feel extremely validated, I will receive the help I need to become an active part of society. 🙂

My second appointment was with my therapist. I was 14 minutes late, due to my vocational counselor needing more time to finish the paperwork.

Therapy is therapy. You didn’t think I was going to tell you all about my therapy appointment, did you? Confidential! 

BWAP; Week 1: Who I Am

Standard

I found this “52 Weeks of Blogging with a Purpose” list on another mom blog:

http://www.frommrstomama.com )  (Thank you! 🙂 )

Week 1: Who I Am

I find myself fidgeting as I try to begin this post. So, the basic question is: “Who Am I?”

Bona Fide Birth Mother. I was born and raised in south Texas, USA.

My Dad raised me. My grandparents (my Dad’s parents) helped.

My Mom didn’t raise me. She had visitation rights and for a while, my sister (who’s 18 months older than me) and I visited my Mom every Wednesday.

Me and my sister got along – sometimes. It was kind of “hit or miss.” The reason seemed to be that I am (and always have been) very outspoken of anything I deem a fact. My opinions, too, of course. I don’t think my blunt honesty ever had big fans (people who enjoyed it), in my younger years. Now, as adults, me and my sister are capable of getting along a little more, but not for long periods of time.

As a child, besides my honesty… I also had a temper. I’ve learned to control my temper, for the most part. I remember not, at all, being a nice sister, at times. When my sister tried to report my bad behavior to a parent, they didn’t always believe her. I’ve asked my sister about this, since becoming an adult. She says that she doesn’t remember any of it.

At the age of 18, I attended Texas Bible Institute. It was a 9 month course. I stayed for 3 months. My black and white / rigid thinking came into play when it was insinuated that for me to prove my salvation, I would need to speak in tongues. Maybe this isn’t apart of the TBI doctrine, but someone on campus (at that time) seemed to believe that. I couldn’t stay, due to this unbiblical teaching. Never mind that I was rooming with 4 other girls in a 500 square foot room. All of it being added up, there’s no way I could have ever survived an entire 9 months there.

A lot happened between the age of 18 and 24, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post!

At the age of 24, I gave birth to my daughter, Lady-Bug. It took me close to 6 months before I felt a mother-daughter bond with her. That was probably half due to post-partum emotional issues and half due to Asperger’s Syndrome. That’s all I can figure out.

At the age of 27, I gave birth to my daughter, Precious-Picklette. Not much time passed (about 2 months) before I had a mental breakdown / emotional meltdown. Lady-Bug was adopted by the Z’s and Precious-Picklettes father took over raising Precious-Picklette.

Also at the age of 27, I became pregnant with my son (Sweet-Sesame) – whom I’m 32 weeks pregnant with, at the moment.

There’s a very quick snapshot of my “life’s story.” 

I like lasagna. Some days, I love it… but today, it sounds too heavy.

I like ranch dressing on (almost) anything.

My favorite color is lavender.

I’m 5’7″.

I have Asperger’s Syndrome.

…okay, ’til next time.

Me, at 22 years old.

Me, at 22 years old.

Excited About Learning!

Standard

The people that called me about my student loan said that I’ve been in their debt collection program for so long (since 2004 or 2005) that they’re willing to help me consolidate my loan – which will help me get out of default with student loans! Getting out of default with student loans will allow me to qualify for another loan, grants, and scholarships for college.

I’m realizing that I’ve really forgotten everything that I learned in school.

In my spare time, I would like to study. Too bad, if I think I know the very basics. I’m going to study those, too!

Period!