Borderline Personality.

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Hi.

For years and years, I was in denial of my primary diagnosis. The first diagnosis I was ever given – that I didn’t seek out.

I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) several times. 2004, 2006, 2012, 2015, 2017. My dad was diagnosed (by the military) with BPD, before I was born. And I believe my mom also has BPD, according to the stories I’ve heard of her childhood (as well as her subsequent behaviors).

Like attracts like. One of my favorite people, who’s a therapist by trade, says we attract and are attracted to people of our similar emotional development. My mom married my dad (I believe) solely to leave her family’s home. I believe my dad believed that he loved my mom. I don’t know if my mom ever loved my dad. (Okay, enough about them.)

Borderline Personality is (basically) severe emotional pain / damage. In unpopular opinion, Borderline Personality is not a mental illness. It is a heart / emotional illness. 

Its origin is not 110% proven. But the majority of people (99% or something like that) agree that it’s caused by childhood trauma / abandonment / emotional neglect. Some people believe (I’m not one of them) that it’s partially hereditary.

The only part that is the least bit hereditary (in my opinion) is that ALL people inherit the need to be loved by their mother – simply by being in her womb for 9 months and developing a deep emotional attachment and love for her.

My mother admitted to me that she didn’t hold me (much), talk to me (much), etc. I don’t remember my mother in the early parts of my life. I was too little. I was 3, when she was mostly out of my life, except for supervised visitations on Wednesdays.

She emotionally neglected me. She eventually left me with my (abusive to all of us) father. It’s an opinion that she didn’t protect me – maybe to protect herself. If I was being abused, she wasn’t suffering direct abuse for that moment in time.

For my Borderline Personality, the blame is solely my mother’s. My father’s abuse exacerbated it, sure. But… (as I sometimes yell out when feeling angry about her) she was the one person who should have loved me the most. But she didn’t. She didn’t have the capability of loving me. And really, she still does not.

My sister and I agree (even if she won’t publicly admit this) that being around either of our parents is as if we are the parents and they are the children. They are both incapable of loving (without it being a narcissistic kind of love) or receiving love. Neither of them see themselves as deserving of love, in my opinion.

I’m happy and slightly reserved in saying (publicly) that I’m in recovery of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’m going to be changing the subtitle of this blog, as a show of honesty. I’m not sure that I have Asperger’s Syndrome.

The two (BPD and Asperger’s) have many similarities in thinking patterns. But one is due to neurological differences and the other is due to a delay in emotional development.

My 2013 diagnosis was Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (which is on the autism spectrum).

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I think we can all agree that I tend to have the emotional responses of a toddler. That’s pretty agreed upon, “universally.”

I’m glad that I still have years before I will meet my children. Recovery, here I come, dangit!

— Stephanie

the first step is admitting…

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In 2013, I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. 

Just months before my diagnosis, I applied for several jobs – all at once.

For about a day and a half, I had three jobs. THREE jobs. (I was hired at three different places, but didn’t work all three jobs in that day and half.) I was pretty excited!

Before I was able to work as much as I was hoping I would get to, I had to quit two of the jobs. 

I felt like I had the whole world on my shoulders, having been hired at so many different places.

I was newly pregnant with my son Isaac. ( I’m going to stop calling my babies by their blog nicknames. I just don’t think it matters anymore. :-p )

The job that I chose to try to keep was at a Subway. If offered the same job today, I would quickly run away.

Subway requires a massive amount of multi-tasking and an ability to process information at quick speeds. Neither of which am I capable of doing.

Any way, yada yada… in 2014, while pregnant with my daughter, Juliet, I had a data entry job at an insurance agency. Contracted position.

If I could give 2014-Stephanie some advice, I’d tell her… “don’t talk to your co-workers.” … “sit at lunch, alone.” … “just do your d-mn work.”… and … “emotionally prepare for Chloe’s adoption anniversary in October.”

So, it’s 2016… and I can very readily admit which jobs (and housing situations) I can handle and which ones I should run away from – faster than …whatever’s really-really fast.

I’d describe my current situation as OK. It’s not a long-term solution for homelessness and unemployment, but I’m OK. 

I think it’s been a little over a month since I’ve seen Daphne. I think my friends would agree that I’ve done the best I can do to be apart of her life. And that’s all I can really say, right now.

Formal Diagnoses

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I am sorry to my supportive, encouraging blog readers, but I’ve had to disable comments on my blog. This is due to certain people having too much time on their hands and too little understanding of the situation(s). 

Oh, well. Here we go! It’ll be a struggle to explain this peace I’ve found. Not only for and due to the continued adoption plans… but also within myself.

Yesterday (October 28th, 2013), I was given my formal diagnoses by a neuro-psychologist, PhD.

Some of you may think it would be wise not to blog about my diagnoses. Maybe you’re right.

Here I go in my wrongness, though!  (I’ve gone 20 years not understanding why I’m different than other people, why I’m not able to complete tasks, why I have a definite low tolerance for frustration and/or stress…) By the way, in case some of you don’t know – I’m 28 years old. I began seeing that I was different, at the age of 8.

1) Asperger’s Syndrome (a mild case)

2) Generalized Anxiety – with Obsessive Compulsive traits

3) Dysthymia ~ (chronic type of depression in which a person’s moods are regularly low. However, symptoms are not as severe as with Major Depression.)

4) Sensory Processing Disorder ~ (A person with sensory processing disorder, SPD, finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks.

# 4 (Sensory Processing Disorder) should probably be listed as # 1, though. – – Why? …because my sensory processing is in the 4th percentile (meaning: I did better than 4% of the population in processing information through the senses). Another way to word this: My sensory processing speed is very low.

My verbal skills are in the 74th percentile. Concerning verbal skills, I did better than 74% of the population. My verbal skills are very high.

I have an average IQ, with my verbal IQ being quite a bit higher than my non-verbal IQ.

Especially when I am nervous, I don’t always understand the non-verbal communication being presented. 

I have a lack of spatial skills. (Spatial skills involve your ability to understand problems involving physical spaces, shapes, or forms. )

Sometimes, my affect is flat. (Affect, defined: “a set of observable manifestations of a subjectively experienced emotion.”)

My former diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder has been wholly terminated. This neuro-psychologist (PhD) found no evidence of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and called the doctor, who wrote that on my papers, “a quack” for diagnosing me with BPD after an hour long discussion with me. (My neuro-psychologist spent 4.5 hours testing my intelligence: emotional and academic, observing my behavior via distractions that I didn’t realize were part of the testing, etc.)

One behavior noted, through the distractions that I didn’t realize were part of their tests: if you give me an assignment, something to focus on or think about… and then you leave the room… and then you walk back in… it is very, very difficult for me to return to my previous state of focus. AKA – I need to be left alone and not distracted, in order to do my very best work. 

The one OCD trait that I can validate with my own agreeing opinion… I really need to do things perfectly. It’s an internal pressure to be perfect in all that I do. If I mess up at all, I tend to give up altogether. 

I deal with some  Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) issues, but not enough for any sort of ADD diagnosis.

My neuro-psychologist thinks I’d do well in becoming a research assistant.

…well, guess what! At the latest, I will begin college classes this summer!!!  Yes!!!

My Logic Hat

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My therapist calls it my “logic hat.”

When I have that thing on, I can think through things with great logic.

I’m not sure what to call the other hat, but I don’t like wearing it. If it were all up to me, I would never wear this other hat. Ever.

It’s the hat I’m wearing when my emotions overwhelm me. My emotions, when I do feel them, have the power to make me do things that my logic hat would shake its fist at.

Right now, at this moment, I’m wearing my logic hat.

If someone could, please, come out with new technology that allows me to lock my logic hat in place? Thank you.

Why I Prefer Written Communication Over Verbal

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Why I Prefer Written Communication Over Verbal (especially while discussing serious matters):

I’ve found, since I was a little girl, that I’m unable to verbally speak the things I want to convey to people. I very much dislike being required to read into a person’s tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. When doing these things isn’t a requirement (like during an in-person job interview), I prefer not to.

Do you want me to know what you’re thinking and wanting to say to me – without misunderstandings? Then write me a letter. Send me an e-mail.

I also find that texting isn’t the greatest form of communication, for serious discussions. Letters and e-mails are the best way to communicate with me.

– I won’t be misunderstood, as I’m a lot more articulate in my written communications.

– I won’t misunderstand your facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language.

I really don’t like gossip

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I’m trying to go back to different social situations in my recent or distant past… wondering if I’ve ever not hated gossip.

I find myself frustrated when people engage in gossip. I find myself bored, sighing, and waiting for the “conversation” to be over. If I agree with something that’s being said about someone, my honesty interjects and I verbally agree with the statement made. But I’m still really not enjoying the “conversation.”

My definition of gossip:

Speaking (almost wholly) negatively about a person who is not present, especially if everyone who is listening knows that person, too.

 

My frustration with gossip ends when I need to vent about someone else’s behavior. I hope that doesn’t make me a hypocrite. Maybe it does. – – I sometimes have to vent about someone’s behavior, so that I don’t end up exploding or imploding over the person’s behavior. – – I guess my two salvation points are that I don’t talk about the person’s behavior with someone who’s not able to explain the person’s behavior to me and/or help me learn how to tolerate the person’s behavior.

Paper Ducks

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Tomorrow, I’ll be at 34 weeks pregnant with Sweet-Sesame.

Mr and Mrs Zumba (-what I’ve decided to call the Z’s for this blog site) have already begun “nesting.” I suppose I’ve begun my version of nesting, as well. I’ve begun to think a lot about my after-Sweet-Sesame’s-born future.

Mrs Zumba created a string of paper ducks for Lady-Bug. Each paper duck represents one day of Sweet-Sesame’s remaining pregnancy days. Lady-Bug was curious as to when her “baby brudda” will be arriving. The paper ducks have helped Lady-Bug understand how much longer there is to wait.

…when I started writing this post, I knew I didn’t have much to say. I think I have so much that I’m thinking about that it’s become difficult to sort through it all.

I guess there’s only 43 paper ducks remaining on Lady-Bug’s string now. In 43 days, Sweet-Sesame is due.