“Do you get to see your babies?”

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This is another question that I’m asked a lot.

“Do you get to see your children?”

or 

“Do you ever get to see your babies?”

My answer:

“It’s not a matter of ‘get to.'”

Elaboration:

I want to see my babies! Oh, so very much do I want to see them!

I want hold my Lady Bug and kiss her cheeks. I want to play with Legos with her! I want to join her in her favorite activities!

I want to watch my Precious Picklette walk across a room. I want to listen to her assert herself and tell everyone exactly what’s going down! (I wonder who she gets that from…? haha)

I want hold my Sweet Sesame, feed him, and try to make him laugh.

…so, I do want to see my babies, but do I get to? Legally speaking, I can see and be with Precious Picklette. She has not been adopted. She is with her biological father and her stepmother. We all love Precious Picklette. I want her to attach to them as best as possible, before I enter the picture – besides that I do not feel “emotionally” ready to be any type of mother figure to her, right now. Does that sound selfish? I promise you, it isn’t. I will explain all of it to her, someday.

Now, Lady Bug and Sweet Sesame have been legally adopted. Do I get to see them? That’s a confusing question, for me.

I want to see Lady Bug, I do… but I also don’t. I want my Lady Bug to attach to her adoptive parents – which she already has, actually. But I’m scared that she may recognize me and think, “What the crap? Where did you go, these (almost) 2 years?? Where have you been? You’re the one who changed most of my diapers! You’re the one who helped me learn to walk! You’re the one…” etc, etc. …or maybe she would just think, “Hmm, I feel like I know you from somewhere….”

Now, Sweet Sesame… I don’t think seeing him would cause any Earth-shattering hysteria, but I do want him to attach to his parents. I’m  one of his biological parents, but they are his (their) real parents, in my book. I love him and can’t wait to watch him grow up in pictures and videos (both of them), but our time to meet will come.

So, do I get to see my kids? No. Not right now. But it’s not truly a matter of “get to,” because I’ve chosen not to – even if offered the chance.

FYI, don’t offer me a chance. I’d have a meltdown.

My Favorite Adoption Songs

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First, my two absolute favorites:

1) See You Again; sung by Carrie Underwood

* Lyrics that mean the most to me: *

“…you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow.”

“You are my tomorrow.”

“Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I will see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me.”

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

2) Everything To Me; sung by Mark Shultz

* Lyrics that mean the most to me: *

“…you had dreams for me
And wanted the best for me
And you made the only choice you could that night

And you gave life to me
A brand new world to see
Like playing baseball in the yard with dad at night
Mom reading Goodnight Moon
And praying in my room
So if you worry if your choice was right
When you gave me up
Oh you gave everything to me.

“…you gave life to me
A chance to find my dreams
And the chance to fall in love.”

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

3) You’ll Be In My Heart; sung by Phil Collins

* Lyrics that mean the most to me: *

“I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here.

Don’t you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong.

“This bond between us
Can’t be broken.”

“From this day on,
Now and forever more
Oh, you’ll be in my heart.

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

4) I Loved Her First; sung by Heartland

* Lyrics that mean the most to me: *

“…she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl.”

“But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me.”

“…it’s still hard to give her away.

“And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time.

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

THIS IS THE SONG THAT I SANG TO / FOR LADY-BUG (my eldest daughter), WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH HER:

5) You’re Gonna Be; sung by Reba McEntire

* Lyrics that mean the most to me: *

“Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You’re gonna be.

We just have to believe things work out like they should.

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

 THIS IS A SONG I SUNG TO LADY-BUG (my eldest daughter), AFTER SHE WAS BORN:

6) Best Of Intentions; sung by Travis Tritt

* Lyrics that mean the most to me: *

“Never could build you a castle
Even though you’re the queen of my heart
But I’ve had the best of intentions from the start.

Please tell me you will remember
No matter how much I do wrong
That I had the best of intentions all along.

“…I promised you things
I always thought we’d do
But my best-laid plans
Slipped right through my hands
To show my love for you.

“So here I am asking forgiveness
And praying that you’ll understand.

Though you deserve so much better
You won’t find devotion more true.

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

– – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – * – – – – – – – 

THIS IS A SONG THAT I SUNG, AFTER THE ADOPTION – – – AFTER A LONG TIME OF TRYING TO DENY HOW MUCH I WAS HURTING:

7) Anymore; sung by Travis Tritt

* Lyrics that mean the most to me: *

I can’t hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
My tears no longer waiting, my resistance ain’t that strong
My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone.”

“‘Cause there’s no one else I swear that holds a candle anywhere next to you.

The Tree; Skipping

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In 3rd grade, I remember writing letters to a tree. Due to my lack of friendships, I created a friendship (imaginary) with a tree.

This tree had natural-made holes in the bark, which gave me places in which to push my hand-written letters into.

I also remember, in 3rd grade, loving to skip and run. I especially loved to skip.

As I skipped around the recess yard, I made myself skip faster with a button (imaginary) that was located on my hip.

Before Knowing About Asperger’s Syndrome…

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I’m organizing all of my papers (again). One paper is from a group therapy session that I attended during an inpatient stay, in April (’13). I didn’t know about Asperger’s Syndrome until July 16th, 2013.

We were writing descriptions of ourselves.

“I am a serious person because:”

My answer: “I need things to be correct and orderly.”

“Most of the time, I feel like:”

My answer: “I can’t be who I really want to be.”

“Things that make me happy are:”

My answer: “Music, my favorite show, and people who can spell.”

“The best thing about me is:”

My answer: “…that I had my children.”

Petrified Wood

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I’m pretty sure I’m thinking about my 3rd grade class, here.

I’ll keep each blog post about one PARTICULAR memory, even if I have more than one memory of being a certain age.

We had a day for show & tell.

I remember bringing a piece of petrified wood to class, each time we had show & tell. My Grandma had a few pieces of petrified wood, so sometimes I’d switch which piece I’d bring to show everyone.

But I always brought petrified wood. Every time.

Waffles

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The first memory I have   (besides a picture of me being taken when I was 4 and being asked how old I was when I was 5)   is of daycare.

My aunt Nadine was the “daycare leader.”

I remember that we began a contest. A waffle-eating contest. Who could eat the most waffles in one week?

I love waffles, so I was really excited about the contest.

I won the contest.

But it didn’t seem fair. The other kids got tired of eating waffles and ate other things, instead. How were we supposed to have a waffle contest, if the contestants weren’t eating waffles anymore?