the first step is admitting…

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In 2013, I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. 

Just months before my diagnosis, I applied for several jobs – all at once.

For about a day and a half, I had three jobs. THREE jobs. (I was hired at three different places, but didn’t work all three jobs in that day and half.) I was pretty excited!

Before I was able to work as much as I was hoping I would get to, I had to quit two of the jobs. 

I felt like I had the whole world on my shoulders, having been hired at so many different places.

I was newly pregnant with my son Isaac. ( I’m going to stop calling my babies by their blog nicknames. I just don’t think it matters anymore. :-p )

The job that I chose to try to keep was at a Subway. If offered the same job today, I would quickly run away.

Subway requires a massive amount of multi-tasking and an ability to process information at quick speeds. Neither of which am I capable of doing.

Any way, yada yada… in 2014, while pregnant with my daughter, Juliet, I had a data entry job at an insurance agency. Contracted position.

If I could give 2014-Stephanie some advice, I’d tell her… “don’t talk to your co-workers.” … “sit at lunch, alone.” … “just do your d-mn work.”… and … “emotionally prepare for Chloe’s adoption anniversary in October.”

So, it’s 2016… and I can very readily admit which jobs (and housing situations) I can handle and which ones I should run away from – faster than …whatever’s really-really fast.

I’d describe my current situation as OK. It’s not a long-term solution for homelessness and unemployment, but I’m OK. 

I think it’s been a little over a month since I’ve seen Daphne. I think my friends would agree that I’ve done the best I can do to be apart of her life. And that’s all I can really say, right now.

Put the Past in the Past

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I’ve had a bad few days, for various reasons. Today’s my first day back, after taking a break. Sometimes, I need a break from (even) most online socialization. Why? Because I have ultra-sensitive days. Things that someone says or doesn’t say can make me really depressed or really angry.

One of the things I was dealing with was missing Lady Bug a lot. I go back and forth from really missing Lady Bug to knowing that Lady Bug and Sweet Sesame are where they should be. They’re home, with their parents.

When I’m in the mindset of knowing that Lady Bug and Sweet Sesame are where they should be, I also realize that I need to move on, in a sense. Move on from being their birth mother??? Never!

What I mean by “move on” is that I need to put the past in the past, remind myself that I’ve made the right choices for Lady Bug and Sweet Sesame, and continue on with my life – while allowing myself to mourn, in emotionally healthy ways. Image

To say that I’ve completely moved on… that will always be a lie. But I will try.

“Do you get to see your babies?”

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This is another question that I’m asked a lot.

“Do you get to see your children?”

or 

“Do you ever get to see your babies?”

My answer:

“It’s not a matter of ‘get to.'”

Elaboration:

I want to see my babies! Oh, so very much do I want to see them!

I want hold my Lady Bug and kiss her cheeks. I want to play with Legos with her! I want to join her in her favorite activities!

I want to watch my Precious Picklette walk across a room. I want to listen to her assert herself and tell everyone exactly what’s going down! (I wonder who she gets that from…? haha)

I want hold my Sweet Sesame, feed him, and try to make him laugh.

…so, I do want to see my babies, but do I get to? Legally speaking, I can see and be with Precious Picklette. She has not been adopted. She is with her biological father and her stepmother. We all love Precious Picklette. I want her to attach to them as best as possible, before I enter the picture – besides that I do not feel “emotionally” ready to be any type of mother figure to her, right now. Does that sound selfish? I promise you, it isn’t. I will explain all of it to her, someday.

Now, Lady Bug and Sweet Sesame have been legally adopted. Do I get to see them? That’s a confusing question, for me.

I want to see Lady Bug, I do… but I also don’t. I want my Lady Bug to attach to her adoptive parents – which she already has, actually. But I’m scared that she may recognize me and think, “What the crap? Where did you go, these (almost) 2 years?? Where have you been? You’re the one who changed most of my diapers! You’re the one who helped me learn to walk! You’re the one…” etc, etc. …or maybe she would just think, “Hmm, I feel like I know you from somewhere….”

Now, Sweet Sesame… I don’t think seeing him would cause any Earth-shattering hysteria, but I do want him to attach to his parents. I’m  one of his biological parents, but they are his (their) real parents, in my book. I love him and can’t wait to watch him grow up in pictures and videos (both of them), but our time to meet will come.

So, do I get to see my kids? No. Not right now. But it’s not truly a matter of “get to,” because I’ve chosen not to – even if offered the chance.

FYI, don’t offer me a chance. I’d have a meltdown.

Zumba

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The Zumba family is adjusting to their new life. I have chosen to talk to them less, at least for now. But that’s one reason I have this blog. I can express my emotions, show them pictures that I think they’d like, etc.

Here’s one of those pictures…

Lady Bug & Sesame

Paper Ducks

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Tomorrow, I’ll be at 34 weeks pregnant with Sweet-Sesame.

Mr and Mrs Zumba (-what I’ve decided to call the Z’s for this blog site) have already begun “nesting.” I suppose I’ve begun my version of nesting, as well. I’ve begun to think a lot about my after-Sweet-Sesame’s-born future.

Mrs Zumba created a string of paper ducks for Lady-Bug. Each paper duck represents one day of Sweet-Sesame’s remaining pregnancy days. Lady-Bug was curious as to when her “baby brudda” will be arriving. The paper ducks have helped Lady-Bug understand how much longer there is to wait.

…when I started writing this post, I knew I didn’t have much to say. I think I have so much that I’m thinking about that it’s become difficult to sort through it all.

I guess there’s only 43 paper ducks remaining on Lady-Bug’s string now. In 43 days, Sweet-Sesame is due.

 

Evaluations / Children’s Nicknames

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Ow, ow, ow! …to these Braxton Hicks contractions I’ve been having. I’ve actually been experiencing fewer of them, since increasing my water intake… but still, ow! – when they do happen.

Any way, let me tell you what I’m so excited to blog about! In 9 days, I will have my “neuropsychological evaluation!”

I also have a vocational evaluation in a little over 2 weeks. They’ll be testing my abilities, interests, and personality – discovering what type of job best suits me.

If I felt like making noise, I’d probably do my happy scream right now …but I’m kind of sleepy today.

Yesterday, I hit the 33-week mark of my pregnancy.

Somehow, that reminded me that I want to go through all of my blog’s posts and edit my children’s names. I’ve been reading other blogs and realized that moms seem to make up nicknames for their kids – just for their blogs. Good idea, peoples!

My 3 year old daughter’s nickname will be… Lady-Bug

My 1 year old daughter’s nickname will be… Precious-Picklette

My son’s nickname will be… Sweet-Sesame

( ( ( ( Nicknames are subject to change, in the event(s) of specific personality traits being revealed. ) ) ) ) – but I’ll keep the nickname changing to a minimum. I promise.

Disclaimer: (some) people, like me, who have Asperger’s syndrome rarely use pet names, so – honestly – coming up with my kids’ permanent (blog) nicknames will be a matter of observation… of what my kids’ loved ones say about them.