Borderline Personality.

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Hi.

For years and years, I was in denial of my primary diagnosis. The first diagnosis I was ever given – that I didn’t seek out.

I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) several times. 2004, 2006, 2012, 2015, 2017. My dad was diagnosed (by the military) with BPD, before I was born. And I believe my mom also has BPD, according to the stories I’ve heard of her childhood (as well as her subsequent behaviors).

Like attracts like. One of my favorite people, who’s a therapist by trade, says we attract and are attracted to people of our similar emotional development. My mom married my dad (I believe) solely to leave her family’s home. I believe my dad believed that he loved my mom. I don’t know if my mom ever loved my dad. (Okay, enough about them.)

Borderline Personality is (basically) severe emotional pain / damage. In unpopular opinion, Borderline Personality is not a mental illness. It is a heart / emotional illness. 

Its origin is not 110% proven. But the majority of people (99% or something like that) agree that it’s caused by childhood trauma / abandonment / emotional neglect. Some people believe (I’m not one of them) that it’s partially hereditary.

The only part that is the least bit hereditary (in my opinion) is that ALL people inherit the need to be loved by their mother – simply by being in her womb for 9 months and developing a deep emotional attachment and love for her.

My mother admitted to me that she didn’t hold me (much), talk to me (much), etc. I don’t remember my mother in the early parts of my life. I was too little. I was 3, when she was mostly out of my life, except for supervised visitations on Wednesdays.

She emotionally neglected me. She eventually left me with my (abusive to all of us) father. It’s an opinion that she didn’t protect me – maybe to protect herself. If I was being abused, she wasn’t suffering direct abuse for that moment in time.

For my Borderline Personality, the blame is solely my mother’s. My father’s abuse exacerbated it, sure. But… (as I sometimes yell out when feeling angry about her) she was the one person who should have loved me the most. But she didn’t. She didn’t have the capability of loving me. And really, she still does not.

My sister and I agree (even if she won’t publicly admit this) that being around either of our parents is as if we are the parents and they are the children. They are both incapable of loving (without it being a narcissistic kind of love) or receiving love. Neither of them see themselves as deserving of love, in my opinion.

I’m happy and slightly reserved in saying (publicly) that I’m in recovery of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I’m going to be changing the subtitle of this blog, as a show of honesty. I’m not sure that I have Asperger’s Syndrome.

The two (BPD and Asperger’s) have many similarities in thinking patterns. But one is due to neurological differences and the other is due to a delay in emotional development.

My 2013 diagnosis was Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (which is on the autism spectrum).

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I think we can all agree that I tend to have the emotional responses of a toddler. That’s pretty agreed upon, “universally.”

I’m glad that I still have years before I will meet my children. Recovery, here I come, dangit!

— Stephanie