I won’t give up

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This morning, at work, I wanted some new music to listen to. I YouTubed and eventually found this song. I listened to the music, at first, but then after a couple of times of hearing the song… I finally heard the lyrics. And wow, it’s a beautiful, inspirational song (for me).

The lyrics that are in bold are to my kids – from me. The lyrics that are underlined seem like they’re singing to me / about me. When you hear the song, you may think of different things. This is what the song means to me.

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there’s so much they hold
 And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give upI don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I amI won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up, I’m still looking up.

Well, I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

I like to pretend to be strong

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melb

It began on October 16, 2015. 

All personal success and motivation flew out the window, that day, last week.

Nothing truly fell apart, but it almost-almost did.

I told my employer that I didn’t want to do a blog post for support, because my family can see these posts, if they look.

“I like to pretend to be strong.” – – – “Family doesn’t equal support.”

(At least not my immediate family. Some of my extended family try a little harder.)

I guess I’ll be okay, for another year. Lady Bug’s birthday doesn’t seem to cause depression. There’s no pain, in knowing that she’s going to have a party and receive lots of love on her big day. (Love is every day. Birthday parties are not.)

On October 16th, it began:  …I stopped eating very much, at all. I stopped hydrating myself. Some of my hygiene suffered. Nothing productive really happened, for about a week.

I tried to cope, but my coping skills need some work. Not all are good and healthy for me.

“I’m not doing today sober.” – part of a text that I sent to someone

As-if my pain is a good excuse to get a-little-more-than-tipsy / waste some of my money.

This morning, I woke up completely okay. Maybe it’s because a week is what I need to finish grieving…

or maybe it’s because someone made me a big bowl of soup and another person gave me pizza to eat.

I know that 18 hours of sleep, a quart of ice cream, 2 beers (on an empty stomach), etc. etc. all did not help.

My former, favorite therapist suggests that I find a local therapist, until the insurance that pays her makes its way to my area of the Metroplex. I want her as my therapist, though. She specializes in adoption / adoptive families / birth mothers. Plus, she understands Asperger’s. How perfect, right? I miss her!

Okay, that’s all. Have a good week. I know I will, finally.