Missing Lady Bug <3

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I should not look at pictures of my miss Lady Bug, especially old pictures of her. The old pictures make me sad. They really make me miss her and the time I had with her. 

I don’t regret not choosing adoption until I did. I needed to wait for the Zumba family, now I know. But I regret not doing more with her, while she was with me. I regret that I feel that I didn’t let her explore and be her brave little self. 

I did allow her to be her happy little self. She’s always been a very happy child. Before she had other ways to express herself, she would do a happy scream. I loved her happy scream. Usually. Some days, it was a struggle for that scream not to hurt my ears. (I’m sensitive to loud noises.) But I do not remember even ONE time that I asked her to stop screaming her happy scream. I did my very, very best to allow her to be a happy child. That’s one thing I feel very good about – in my time of being Lady Bug’s mom. Image

1 week old!

Aside

I’m in a little less pain, thanks to Benadryl. I still feel the let-down pain sometimes, but I’m not in severe pain any longer. Google, if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Let-down reflex.

I am about to relocate, so if I don’t blog as often (for a while), that’s why.

Tonight, Sesame is 1 week old!!!! Bring out the balloons!!!

There is that regret –

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The sadness that I have felt, since returning home from the hospital, is a sadness of not being pregnant with Sesame anymore. I spent SO MUCH time and effort trying to naturally induce Sesame to be born. Now, there’s regret in that. I wish I would have just waited and let him choose his own birth day. Instead, he was semi-induced. No pitocin was used, but my doctor did jump start my labor with another substance / medication. 

I wonder if I would still be pregnant today. I would be 41 weeks and 1 day along, today. 

So, there is that regret. But I do not regret signing the relinquishment papers. Sesame is with his parents and his big sister, Lady Bug. XoXoXo

Denial and Isolation?

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I Googled the grieving process. The initial stage is denial and isolation.

I don’t find myself denying that the adoption has happened. I’m happy and content with / in my decision. It’s in the best interest of two of my (three) children. Really, I wouldn’t be so isolated, if I weren’t in pain. If I were able to walk long distances, I would. If I were able to “catch the bus,” I would. I’d be fine going to my (favorite) coffee shop and just sitting there. That, to me, is not isolation, at all. I talk to the employees and sometimes talk to the other customers.

For now, I do not feel that I’m in the grieving process.

Zumba

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The Zumba family is adjusting to their new life. I have chosen to talk to them less, at least for now. But that’s one reason I have this blog. I can express my emotions, show them pictures that I think they’d like, etc.

Here’s one of those pictures…

Lady Bug & Sesame

Picklette / For Now

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What’s going on with Precious Picklette, lately? I don’t desire to ask, even if I desire to know.

She’s 16 months old and is walking a little bit, the last time I knew.

I have enough going on right now that I’ve decided to avoid the drama attached to knowing anything about Picklette, for now.

With age, people are more and more set in their ways. So, I see no real hope in there being major change in this situation, for now.

Healing Process

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4:30am and I can’t sleep… again. 

I can feel myself trying to rush through this physical recovery (after childbirth). I’ll try to stop rushing. Try. I think I’m partially rushing because I hate feeling this pain. If you want to know what kind of pain, you can Google what post partum moms use cabbage leaves for. I’m using them OFTEN. 

I think about my Sesame and my Lady Bug a lot. But I kind of need to avoid looking at too many pictures of my Sesame. The healing process will go quicker, that way. Looking at pictures of him triggers my body’s desire to care for him / feed him. 

I’ve already been asked if I think I’m doing the right thing through this adoption. Yes, I am. I don’t mind people asking, because I am dead set in my ways, on this. Go ahead and try to trip up God’s plans for my children. You’re going to fail.

I’ve Got To

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Sweet-Sesame was born at 12:23am on Tuesday “morning.” (To me, it was really just late-Monday night.)

I labored and delivered him quickly.

Sweet-Sesame is now at home, apart of and with his Zumba family.

This is going to be a short blog post, because I’m pretty tired.

While in the kitchen, preparing a snack, I said to myself… “I can’t wait until I’m physically recovered from this. I want to get on my feet and make something of myself. I’ve got to.”

Sweet Sesame

Sweet Sesame

39 weeks / Sweet Sesame

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One word: Hormones.

I realize that I haven’t really posted in a while, so I think I’ll do a quick post…

Tomorrow, I’m at 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my son – who’s set to be adopted by the Zumba family. His big sister, Lady Bug, is awaiting his arrival with a new teddy bear (that she picked out) and songs to be sung.

Sometimes, I feel like I know that he’ll be born within a day or two, but then he surprises me… and still hasn’t chosen to grace the world with his un-uterus‘d presence. 

As you can imagine, I’m really sleepy. Good night, peoples.