I should not look at pictures of my miss Lady Bug, especially old pictures of her. The old pictures make me sad. They really make me miss her and the time I had with her.
I don’t regret not choosing adoption until I did. I needed to wait for the Zumba family, now I know. But I regret not doing more with her, while she was with me. I regret that I feel that I didn’t let her explore and be her brave little self.
I did allow her to be her happy little self. She’s always been a very happy child. Before she had other ways to express herself, she would do a happy scream. I loved her happy scream. Usually. Some days, it was a struggle for that scream not to hurt my ears. (I’m sensitive to loud noises.) But I do not remember even ONE time that I asked her to stop screaming her happy scream. I did my very, very best to allow her to be a happy child. That’s one thing I feel very good about – in my time of being Lady Bug’s mom.
I’m in a little less pain, thanks to Benadryl. I still feel the let-down pain sometimes, but I’m not in severe pain any longer. Google, if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Let-down reflex.
I am about to relocate, so if I don’t blog as often (for a while), that’s why.
Tonight, Sesame is 1 week old!!!! Bring out the balloons!!!
The sadness that I have felt, since returning home from the hospital, is a sadness of not being pregnant with Sesame anymore. I spent SO MUCH time and effort trying to naturally induce Sesame to be born. Now, there’s regret in that. I wish I would have just waited and let him choose his own birth day. Instead, he was semi-induced. No pitocin was used, but my doctor did jump start my labor with another substance / medication.
I wonder if I would still be pregnant today. I would be 41 weeks and 1 day along, today.
So, there is that regret. But I do not regret signing the relinquishment papers. Sesame is with his parents and his big sister, Lady Bug. XoXoXo
I Googled the grieving process. The initial stage is denial and isolation.
I don’t find myself denying that the adoption has happened. I’m happy and content with / in my decision. It’s in the best interest of two of my (three) children. Really, I wouldn’t be so isolated, if I weren’t in pain. If I were able to walk long distances, I would. If I were able to “catch the bus,” I would. I’d be fine going to my (favorite) coffee shop and just sitting there. That, to me, is not isolation, at all. I talk to the employees and sometimes talk to the other customers.
For now, I do not feel that I’m in the grieving process.
The Zumba family is adjusting to their new life. I have chosen to talk to them less, at least for now. But that’s one reason I have this blog. I can express my emotions, show them pictures that I think they’d like, etc.
Here’s one of those pictures…
Lady Bug & Sesame
What’s going on with Precious Picklette, lately? I don’t desire to ask, even if I desire to know.
She’s 16 months old and is walking a little bit, the last time I knew.
I have enough going on right now that I’ve decided to avoid the drama attached to knowing anything about Picklette, for now.
With age, people are more and more set in their ways. So, I see no real hope in there being major change in this situation, for now.