End of Pregnancy Experience – (3rd / final pregnancy)

Standard
  • 37 weeks and 5 days:

Last night: a lot of apple juice and a big bowl of cereal. Close to 10 hours of sleep.

This morning: two bananas and a bowl of fresh pineapple.

This afternoon: baked potato and toast. Bowl of green grapes.

Tonight: Cried a lot (over something not related to the adoption). Lifted more and did more (physically) than is recommended during this stage of pregnancy.

How I’m feeling (physically): frequent visits to bathroom. No real discomfort. Not a lot of contractions (as of 2pm). Baby is moving normally.

  • 37 weeks and 6 days:

Last night: not a lot of sleep; choppy sleep.

This morning: doctor’s appointment: (everything checked out fine.) Sausage and eggs, for breakfast. Cinnamon roll snack.

This afternoon: decrease in appetite. Donut.

 

  • 38 weeks (11/1/13)

Last night: flour tortilla, before bed. I slept about 9 hours. Woke up and had two charley horses.

This morning: scrambled egg sandwich, herbal coffee (?); something like that.

This afternoon: uncomfortable and difficult to stand up, so I’ve been standing and cleaning a lot, so that I don’t have to try so hard to GET UP. I just stay standing up. Bacon-mayonnaise-cheese sandwich.

This evening: scrambled eggs, toast, gravy. Water. Danced to 2 songs. (Babies are born when they’re ready, so me dancing isn’t going to force him out. It’ll just give him a new in-utero experience!) 🙂 Egg, bacon breakfast taco (flour tortilla). Piece of French toast.

Discomfort: a cramp / charley horse-feeling in my extreme-upper/inner left thigh – felt before dancing.

9 hours of sleep.

38 weeks

38 weeks

  • 38 weeks and 1 day: (11/2/13)

Around noon: bacon, egg breakfast taco. Water. Baby has the hiccups.

Rest of the day: bacon, cheese sandwich. Herbal coffee. Water. Bacon, cheese, mayonnaise breakfast taco. Hot Cheetos. Cinnamon candy. A lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. My back hurts.

7 hours of sleep, or so. Baby put himself in painful (for me) position. Sleeping on my other side moved him over.

  • 38 weeks and 6 days: 11/7/13

I had a doctor’s appointment. Not much to report. I’ve been walking a lot. My son is a lot lower – in there.

Formal Diagnoses

Standard

I am sorry to my supportive, encouraging blog readers, but I’ve had to disable comments on my blog. This is due to certain people having too much time on their hands and too little understanding of the situation(s). 

Oh, well. Here we go! It’ll be a struggle to explain this peace I’ve found. Not only for and due to the continued adoption plans… but also within myself.

Yesterday (October 28th, 2013), I was given my formal diagnoses by a neuro-psychologist, PhD.

Some of you may think it would be wise not to blog about my diagnoses. Maybe you’re right.

Here I go in my wrongness, though!  (I’ve gone 20 years not understanding why I’m different than other people, why I’m not able to complete tasks, why I have a definite low tolerance for frustration and/or stress…) By the way, in case some of you don’t know – I’m 28 years old. I began seeing that I was different, at the age of 8.

1) Asperger’s Syndrome (a mild case)

2) Generalized Anxiety – with Obsessive Compulsive traits

3) Dysthymia ~ (chronic type of depression in which a person’s moods are regularly low. However, symptoms are not as severe as with Major Depression.)

4) Sensory Processing Disorder ~ (A person with sensory processing disorder, SPD, finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks.

# 4 (Sensory Processing Disorder) should probably be listed as # 1, though. – – Why? …because my sensory processing is in the 4th percentile (meaning: I did better than 4% of the population in processing information through the senses). Another way to word this: My sensory processing speed is very low.

My verbal skills are in the 74th percentile. Concerning verbal skills, I did better than 74% of the population. My verbal skills are very high.

I have an average IQ, with my verbal IQ being quite a bit higher than my non-verbal IQ.

Especially when I am nervous, I don’t always understand the non-verbal communication being presented. 

I have a lack of spatial skills. (Spatial skills involve your ability to understand problems involving physical spaces, shapes, or forms. )

Sometimes, my affect is flat. (Affect, defined: “a set of observable manifestations of a subjectively experienced emotion.”)

My former diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder has been wholly terminated. This neuro-psychologist (PhD) found no evidence of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and called the doctor, who wrote that on my papers, “a quack” for diagnosing me with BPD after an hour long discussion with me. (My neuro-psychologist spent 4.5 hours testing my intelligence: emotional and academic, observing my behavior via distractions that I didn’t realize were part of the testing, etc.)

One behavior noted, through the distractions that I didn’t realize were part of their tests: if you give me an assignment, something to focus on or think about… and then you leave the room… and then you walk back in… it is very, very difficult for me to return to my previous state of focus. AKA – I need to be left alone and not distracted, in order to do my very best work. 

The one OCD trait that I can validate with my own agreeing opinion… I really need to do things perfectly. It’s an internal pressure to be perfect in all that I do. If I mess up at all, I tend to give up altogether. 

I deal with some  Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) issues, but not enough for any sort of ADD diagnosis.

My neuro-psychologist thinks I’d do well in becoming a research assistant.

…well, guess what! At the latest, I will begin college classes this summer!!!  Yes!!!

Question & Answer Session –

Standard

Bona Fide Birth Mother’s Question & Answer Session. . .

I love you, Lady-Bug,

Precious-Picklette,

and Sweet-Sesame! ❤

Presently, what percentage would you put yourself for the adoption?

90%, – leaving 10% for parenting.

We all know that you changed your mind (on October 15th) and announced your choice to personally raise your son. What factors have you since considered that cause you to turn back to the adoption plan?

First of all, I moved out of the Steyer (friends of Mr and Mrs Zumba) household, desiring to be on neutral ground. Hurting the Steyers, in any way, was not my intention. I did know that my decision would cause a rift in the friendship(s), but I knew that I needed to be on (completely) neutral ground – in order to know (for a fact) that I was making the best decision for my son.

I’ll explain.

– – – – -The Steyers did their absolute best to remain objective and supportive. I appreciate them more than they may realize. This is the best way that I can explain why living in their house (while making this decision) was not a good idea (even while my stay there is and was very much appreciated):

Picture yourself needing to make a decision between two different colors. Your choices are brown or red. You’re sitting in a tan building, which has interior walls painted a beautiful mahogany (a shade of brown) color of paint. The tables are beige, as well as the chairs. The front door, though, is auburn (a reddish-brown) in color.

You can see that this building isn’t entirely influencing your decision between brown and red. You appreciate the front door’s color of paint. You sit in the shade-of-brown chairs, for months. You stare at the walls’ color, ruminating your (life-altering) decision between brown and red.

Then, there comes a day that you realize that the colors you’re surrounded by are probably (unintentionally) creating a comfort in your mind – for that one color. You’ve been talking to a few people (outside of that tan building) about your decision between brown and red. One of these people tries to explain that being in a shade-of-brown building, while making this decision, is not the best option available. This person realizes what a blessing this tan building has been to you, but wants you to consider the subconscious influence that the tan building and its shade-of-brown components may be having on this ever-important decision.

You discover that there’s a white building that has an available room. You need that available room for the next 1 to 2 months. You’re appreciative of the tan building, but you know that the tan building’s construction workers and interior design team may feel hurt that you’ve decided to drive to the white building, after all they’ve done to make your tan-building stay as comfortable and stress-free as possible. You’re unsure of how to express what you’re feeling about the tan building, so you pack your decision-making supplies and leave… hoping everyone working on the tan building will eventually understand, as well as believe that you’re appreciative of the tan building’s friendly atmosphere and months of freely-given resources. – – – – –

After arriving at “the white building,” I felt a new comfort that allowed me easy access to my desire for “red” (parenting my son). The one hindrance to my choosing-to-parent-my-son was that I had nothing for him. No car seat, no clothing, no diapers, no baby seats (bouncer / baby-swing), nothing at all. I didn’t want to make this decision (of adoption) based on the feeling of having no other choice. There are plenty of resources for single mothers, if you look for them. I looked. And looked. I was given a lot of clothing. I was given free diapers. I was given hand-me-downs. I was given a free car seat (after attending a 1-hour car seat safety class.) Google car seat safety class, car seat distribution, and your state of residency. I had (and still have) everything that my son would need – if I chose to “keep” / raise & parent my son.

After approximately a week of being adamant that I am capable of raising my son (which, I am), I began returning to thoughts of the adoption plan. A friend suggested that I compile a Pros & Cons list for Parenting and for Adoption. Those lists truly opened my eyes. Then, on an online Asperger’s Syndrome group, a woman (another “Aspie”) said that I should ask myself these questions: Why do you want to keep him? And why do you think he should be adopted? (similar to the pros and cons lists, but the change of wording helped me continue in a serious inspection of my reasons, motives, and desires.)

I will post another blog post, sometime soon. My back hurts and I need a break. 37.2 weeks pregnant… I’m sure you understand.

Asperger Honesty… finally. / Adoption.

Standard

Want some Asperger honesty? I’ve held this back for a long time, but it’s time to be open about it. I’m 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my son. He’s about to be born. I carry resentment (while also hauling around a whole lot of appreciation) toward the adoption plans. The epitome of my emotion: AMBIVALENCE

Ambivalence, defined: the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Appreciation AND Resentment: 

– the adoptive parents have completely re-done at least two bedrooms in their home, preparing for my son.

– the adoptive parents have everything they need, in order to raise my son. They’re fully prepared.

 

Regret:

– not revealing, to the adoptive parents, how many times I’ve changed my mind. My most current count: 9 times.

– acting as if I’m so certain of what I want for my son. 

 

True friends.

Standard

Things that I want to ask people to stop saying to me:

You’re doing a great thing for your son.

Your son’s going to have a life that you can’t afford him. 

You’re giving your son a mom and a dad.

You’re a wonderful person, for what you’re doing for your children.

You’re such a strong person. 

You’re so brave. I could never do what you’re doing.

– – – -Does this leave you wondering what you can say to me?- – – –

– – -Try these:

((( only if you genuinely think / feel these for me. If you have to be fake to be able to say these to me, you’re not my friend – no matter what you think. )))

This is your choice; your decision.

Yes, you would be doing a good thing for your son by placing him in this adoptive family. He would be raised with his biological sister, Lady-Bug. But do you know what you have that no one else does? You have a type of mother’s love that no one else in the world can offer him. 

There are going to be times, with either decision you make, that you will regret what you chose. 

Forever & Always

Forever & Always

Grin & Bear it – No More.

Standard

When I’m around you, I’m sure you think I’m okay.

I’ve learned how to hide the sadness, loneliness, and confusion.

I smile, even though my more-natural inclination is to sigh deeply, look around, and ask all of the questions that circle around in my mind.

In two days, I will be one month away from my due date with my son.

The people that surround me make it seem that this decision is simple and easy for me.

I feel alone, very much longing for an understanding friend to sit beside me and voice their agreement that none of this is easy.

One thing that confuses me about the people who don’t seem to understand how difficult all of this is… how is anyone surprised in hearing me say that I want to have my own special time with my son – to say goodbye?

Don’t people say goodbye to their pets? Don’t people say goodbye to a distant relative? Don’t people say goodbye to a car that’s been faithful and reliable for many years?

So, why is it surprising that I would want to say goodbye to my own son? My flesh and blood. My one and only boy. I’ve dreamed of having a son for so long. Here he is and my saying goodbye to him should remain under a few minutes? No.

I try so hard to hide my pain. Every day. But I know that that’s not healthy. I don’t want to bury my pain only to have it hit me so much harder – all in one moment.

I don’t want to hide my pain anymore.

My Logic Hat

Standard

My therapist calls it my “logic hat.”

When I have that thing on, I can think through things with great logic.

I’m not sure what to call the other hat, but I don’t like wearing it. If it were all up to me, I would never wear this other hat. Ever.

It’s the hat I’m wearing when my emotions overwhelm me. My emotions, when I do feel them, have the power to make me do things that my logic hat would shake its fist at.

Right now, at this moment, I’m wearing my logic hat.

If someone could, please, come out with new technology that allows me to lock my logic hat in place? Thank you.